An Open Letter To My Meditation Practice

To My Meditation Practice:

We met when I was 19 and you were beyond the comprehension of age. You came to me when I felt so incredibly confused about everything. Actually, sometimes I’m still very much confused but, that’s a different letter. Within the past 4 years, you have opened yourself up to me even when I felt like I wasn’t deserving. These days we meet each other once in a blue moon, but I hope you know it’s not you, it’s overwhelmingly everything else.

I’ve seen too many posts on social media about the ease of your practice, and I am even at fault because I’ve told others just how easy you really are. I think I truly meant just how easy it is to fall into your openness because you don’t close yourself off to any being, but everything else about you, my dear meditation practice, is so incredibly overwhelming. You tend to yell so loud when I choose to skip you in the morning, mid-day, and at night. Your scream to be wanted drowns out every noise around me. I wish you would stop yelling so loud, but honestly, I am glad that you do. I know you care about me, I do. I’m not mad, fearful or bothered. I’m just... tired a lot of the time. I’m tired of feeling like I failed, tired of missing deadlines, tired of not doing better at work, at my relationship and at being a daughter, niece, sister or granddaughter. Heck, I'm tired of not being a better friend. These feelings within my heart make me want to distance you because I’ve been told so many damn times just how easy it is to be with you, but honestly, it’s so hard coming back to you when everything else is consuming my time. Am I missing something?

I mean, I get it. From the bottom of my heart, I really do. Your art is not about silence or the act of no thought. I know you don’t teach us how to be out of our heads, but to be so far deep into it we simply float. Do remember those times with me? The times we would float together? Gosh, I was so deeply happy in your practice when we sailed off into the abyss. You answered every question I had, you made me feel whole, and damn, you’re full of ideas. You’ve gotten me so far when it comes to my business, so thank you. Although, I must still be honest.. you’re just not easy.

It’s been more than difficult to surrender to your pillow. You make me question so many things about me and my life that it feels like so much work. Almost every time we are together you make me cry. You expose so many different layers of me that even while I am sitting in a room alone I feel too open and vulnerable. The dim light of the room sees every scar and flashback to different parts of my life that I wish I could have a second chance to make it right. You know all of these things about me, some that I just don’t tell anyone.

You may be wondering why I’m coming to you like this, but it’s simply just to thank you. Truly, you are a gift. So please continue to be difficult. Continue to yell at me every second of the day until I am embracing you once again. I know I know, I’m hearing you yell at me right now. I know we don’t need a pillow or a cleansed room to be together. We just need to acknowledge each other and the rest is simply up to me.

Yes, I’ll see you tonight.

No, no. I really promise.


- Kayla